Hello SXSW

10 Mar

OK, I landed in Austin today, and all flight long I couldn’t help looking around me and thinking; “How many of these people are expecting to get laid this week?”  And I genuinely don’t know the answer. I honestly think sometimes I’m the most naive man in the universe.

I remember once being astounded and horrified when I discovered that two of my closest friends were actually ‘friends with benefits’, fucking each other whenever they could. And it’s at this point that I felt so stupid at the number of times I’d offered to give up my bed for her when she stayed at our apartment, but my kind old room-mate would always offer his, and she’d accept it. How stupid was I to think they weren’t just shagging like lunatics. Naive idiot!

He once said to me “if a girl is willing to share her bed with you, it means she’s willing to have sex with you”. I nearly punched him! Firstly, I had to go with the denial route, telling him there was no way on this earth that any right-minded, equal opportunities, right-on man should make that assumption about a woman. But in the background I think I was really thinking; “Fuck! You mean…? All those times…? You’re fucking KIDDING me!” I mean in University days I must have bedded down with a good half a dozen of my female friends after a big party, or when I travelled out somewhere far off to see them. All those missed opportunities! No wonder I went with the right-on, equal opportunities appproach… otherwise I’d be a total fuckwit to have missed out on all that wouldn’t I? Am surely I’m not a fiuckwit!

Even that flight… I mean, everyone seems so nice and clean and normal on the surface, but statistically speaking there were on that flight: 2 dominatrixes, 1 sadist, 26 voyeurs, 6 foot fetishists, 2 pairs of swingers, a couple into ‘watersports’ and one guy who loves to drink breast milk,.. from real breasts. I mean, none of us talk about it, but people do it!

Some of them even probably got laid on the flight! How do you even do the whole mile high thing? Is it always couples? Or is there some secret signal you give the air stewardess? What position do you use to avoid bursting out into the cabin halfway through the passion? Can you even flush a condom in an airline toilet? Or does it get caught in the vacuum thingy and blow up in a massive balloon on the outside of the plane?

Oh man… I have to start answering some of these questions. Come on Austin, let’s see what you have to offer.


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